When I was seventeen,

I met him.

We became instant buddies

Snow white hands

Completely unblemished and large

A blank canvas

No childhood scars.

Fantasized about him holding me.

Shoveling away my loneliness.

Introduced me to the world of cinema

Changed me forever.  

We were both confused sexually.

Clued into our gayness after

We saw the film Women In Love.

Alan Bates and Oliver Reed

Sitting in front of a fireplace.

Proceeding to take off their clothes and wrestle.

We decided to recreate that scene

In his apartment

I loved the control over him.

Smashing his arms against the carpet.

We were twisting and turning

Out of breath.

And when I started to kiss him,

He giggled

Turned his face away from me.

I was crushed.

Why couldn’t I have him?

The first time I am intimate with someone

 And it fades away

 Into a black whole of devastation.

First love dissolved

Like a snow flake

As it hits the ground.